“America’s billionaires are like unicorns: Rarely seen, mostly white, horny, and don’t pay taxes,” Stephen Colbert said on Monday’s Late Show. “Your run-of-the-mill multi-billionaire putters around in their personal submarine like some kind of sea peasant, but the true hyper-elites have their own space programs.”
Jeff Bezos announced Monday he’s going to space on the first crewed flight of his company Blue Origin’s New Shepard rocket ship. “As preparation for space flight, Bezos has asked his warehouse workers to show him how to pee discreetly into a tube,” Colbert joked. But his “space adventure will be short, because the astronauts will experience weightlessness for only 3 minutes — or as Amazon warehouse workers call it, lunch.”
“Bezos will be the first person in space to look down and say, ‘I actually can see my house from here,'” Jimmy Fallon said at The Tonight Show. “After the country reopened, most people bought a new bathing suit, maybe some hard seltzer; this guy buys James Bond and a ticket to space.” Still, “Bezos will only be in space for about 11 minutes,” Fallon said. “Which means for 11 minutes, Elon Musk will be like, ‘I am finally the richest man on Earth!'”
Yes, “this is great news for” Musk, Trevor Noah agreed at The Daily Show, because “for a few hours, he can be like, “Ha ha, I’m now the richest man on Earth, yes, the richest man — aw, he’s back. I’m going to tweet about bitcoin now.’ Now, if you ask me, space travel is a natural fit for the founder of Amazon. I mean, think about it, astronauts are just workers who have to wear diapers because they don’t get bathroom breaks.”
Noah said his favorite part of the story is the seat Bezos is auctioning off. “You’re Jeff Bezos — just pay the extra money to not sit with a stranger on a trip to space,” he said. “I mean, this is the culmination of your childhood dream. You don’t want to spend it fighting over the armrest.” He suggested everyone pool their money to buy the third seat for Sen. Bernie Sanders (I-Vt.), then imagined what Bernie would say. Watch below.