“Damn, I wish I brought my clothesline,” you’ll say when you need to Mission Impossible out of your Slovakian hostel; or, “Wow, thank goodness I had that detox kit for the drug test Tom Hanks made me take.” There are a million things you could need while traveling—including things that might not feel as ubiquitous as a face mask or passport holder, but are oh-so-helpful when you find yourself crying on a bus stop in Reno wearing a pair of wet jeans. Shoulda brought those REI rain pants, man!
Full disclosure: We absolutely trawled the depths of Reddit for this one. Where else are you gonna find a dude talking about his two-meter extension cord that he brings wherever he goes? We’re terrified! We’re excited! We’re getting closer to the truth of what we may need while traveling, and that’s what matters. We already know the basics of packing for a plane ride—and getting some sleep on that flight—but what about the packing essentials that nobody tells you about in packing school? After all, the great debate about whether packing school is worth it (or if the degree is just a silly piece of paper) has been going on since we started this sentence, which seems like forever.
Fictitious degrees aside, there really are a lot of things you should probably be bringing with you when you’re traveling—especially if you’re going to be gone for a while. That’s why we decided to make up a little how-to jawn to help you get your must-have effects in order. We’re talking sexual butt wipes and bulk cases of Topo Chico. We’re talking rain pants for unexpected, well, rain, and trench coats for when you need to stand on top of your buddy to get into the rated-R movie.
An insanely quiet vibrator
If an orgasm is reached in the middle of the afternoon, and no one else in the hostel can hear it, did it even happen? You bet it did. Womanizer vibrators have famously silent motors, and it’s worth investing a few hundred in the Womanizer Duo for sooo many reasons. It is both a dildo and a suction vibrator; its material is firm, but soft; its vibration is pressure activated, which means it won’t go harder on your vagina unless you do. Sweet symbiosis. (And if you’re wondering: TSA will not give two hoots about this in your carry-on, we promise. They know what a Womanizer Pro is at this point.)
Dry your clothes anywhere
Your favorite shirt isn’t really going to dry well, and will probably start smelling like mildew if you keep drying it over furniture and other places it’s not supposed to be. Not that this is a threat (but it also kind of is). Travel clotheslines take up next to no space in your luggage, and will pay for themselves in no time.
In case you need to pass a drug test
Caroline Thompson went on a whole voyage for VICE on how to pass a drug test with detox drinks and cleanses. Not making any medical claims here, but Testclear has a one-day detox kit that purportedly works for all toxins, not just THC, in addition to loads of other detox packages.
A camera hack that will make you look better on Zoom
“Clip this thing on to your webcam,” explained Hilary Pollock in a VICE article on her hack for looking instantly better on Zoom calls, “and you'll suddenly realize that you were being fed the fugliest version of yourself—and it didn't have to be that way.” The trick is using a clip-on photo lens that gives you a fish-eye effect. Seriously.
Not a droid, just dry shampoo
Don’t subject your hair to the mystery brand shampoo-and-conditioner combo at the airport-adjacent motel in which you will, at least once in your life, find yourself stuck. Billie makes a dry shampoo that’s part volumizer and part shampoo (it’s a blend of rice starch, biotin, and baking soda).
The wisest wizard of all
How any self-respecting traveler could leave the house without a sling-bag insulated cooler that stealthily holds a sixer of cans is beyond us. The last thing people will guess you’re carrying when they see you with this Wizard Stick is canned liquid. It could be a tripod! A telescope! A piece of stolen art! Do yourself a favor and don’t show up to the beach, pool, or work convention empty-handed.
Did you know rain pants exist?
These “2.5-layer shell pants” (shell? Yes please) are lightweight, breathable, and have “fully sealed seams for complete waterproof protection.” Which has us excited, and also pissed off, because why on Earth aren’t all pants like this? Enjoy the freedom that this moisture-fighting, wearable slip ‘n slides will give you in your travels.
… And why aren’t all umbrellas this size?
Can’t unsee. Can’t settle for anything else, either, unless it’s somehow smaller than this seven-incher.
Those watches aren’t going to sell themselves
We don’t just want any old trench coat. We want one that makes us feel like Inspector Gadget on the streets, and Columbo in the sheets. Everlane hath delivered with this unique but Fully Adult color palette, and an exaggerated collar that says, “Just one more thing—what time is my flight?”
Look at me! (Don’t look at me)
You’re going to need the kind of tinted sunglasses that emit all the energy of a very pissed off celebrity limo driver. This pair says, “Clock me, but don’t talk to me.” Big red pill energy.
Keep your butt clean, wherever it ends up
You might be somewhere where you can’t shower, or perhaps you haven’t showered in a few days. That doesn’t mean your nethers have to start looking like Yoda’s swamp, especially if you’re planning on getting some on-the-road booty hole action. Keep your starfish clean, pristine, and gentle with these pH-balanced, biodegradable wipes.
Wool, wool, what do we have here…
(Sorry.) Remember that time you visited your friend’s new place for the first time, and discovered they’re a beautiful monster who sleeps with the thermometer below 60 degrees? Yeahhhhhh. Us too.
Wear your raincoat
Not your average condoms. Lelo is a maker of luxury sex toys and vibrators that gets real serious about engineering. The fruits of their fruit, for your fruit, are in the pudding of this thin but comfy condom. The hexagonal design is unique to the brand, and makes it feel like it was hand-tailored for your penis.
Stop paying so much for water, damnit
Here’s an idea: If you don’t have a nalgene/want to take one on a trip, drink a massive, glass bottle of water on the way to the airport, then fill it up inside to save $7 at the Hudson News store. We suggest Topo Chico, because it tastes like serotonin, and tap dances on your tongue without eviscerating its taste buds like Badoit rouge. Those Frenchies, man.
Safe travels, and may your pants stay dry wherever you end up.
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